My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
