Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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