you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
