My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think a kid would responsible me up
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
