I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You're so nebulous sometimes
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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