tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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