Plan B is the new Plan A
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
