watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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