I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
