I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
