I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
