on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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