I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
