She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
