When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
