You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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