The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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