All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
