if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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