Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
