You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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