you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
