Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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