evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
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Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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