my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
