How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
