We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
