Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
