I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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