I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
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Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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