I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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