So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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