Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
