put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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