Life is so much better after having sex.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
