Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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