hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
