You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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