How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
