apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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