dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
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Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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