I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
