Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
