Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
