i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
