i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
