She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
