Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
