I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
