I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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