I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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