You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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