Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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