Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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