stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
